Unworthy

Do you ever feel unworthy? I do.  Everyday.  Of all the amazing people God has placed on this earth, why was I chosen to live the life I’m living?  Why did Jesus look at me and say, “She is going to be placed in this family, have these characteristic traits, and etc.” I’ve asked God why and this is what He has shown me.

In 2015, I went on my first mission trip which was to Guatemala with my church. Prior to going on the trip, we watched some videos which talked about poverty. Truthfully, those videos were very eye opening to the needs of people all around the world. One of the greatest needs in third world countries is clean drinking water. I remember busting out into tears one morning while sitting in the drive thru at Starbucks waiting for my coffee. In that moment, I cried out to Jesus and asked Him, “Why me?” This wasn’t the “woe is me” type of “why me” question. Instead, it was the type of “why me” which genuinely questioned why Jesus chose to place me here in the great life I live. Why wasn’t I the person living without clean drinking water? Why have I been given the life I have? As quickly as I asked why, Jesus spoke truth into my life. I sensed Him saying to me that I have been blessed so that I may be a blessing to others.

I have ALWAYS loved, loved, loved, worship music. From a young age, I have understood how worthy Jesus is of my praise. He doesn’t need my praise, but as a Christ-follower I will live my life declaring the greatness of God. I sing songs which state Jesus can come and have His way in my life. I believe worship music is one of many ways through which we can give praise to Jesus. The other day I was listening to the song “Hosanna” by Hillsong (‘cause almost every great worship song is by Hillsong) and as I listened to the words, I remembered that this song contains one of my all-time favorite bridges:

“Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity”

As I got to thinking about it, I’ve been singing those lines for ten years which means for the past ten years I’ve been asking Jesus to break my heart. Three years ago, He started to open my eyes to the specific things He wants my heart to be broken for right now.

James 1:27: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress  and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

Who knows? In another ten years, my heart could be broken over something else! It might be broken for people who live with so much guilt from their past that I may be called to go speak freedom and forgiveness from God over them. It might be broken over the lack of God-fearing marriages. Maybe one day I’ll be married and perhaps even be a great example to young people of what Godly marriage looks like. It could be broken over the number of girls who have horrible body image issues. Maybe I’ll be the one sent to tell them how beautiful they are to God and to speak truth over them that they are made in His image.

I’m sure you can think of 100 more things that break your heart and that’s great! RUN WITH IT. I know you are going to feel unworthy and unqualified, but as Rick Yancey says, “God doesn’t call the equipped. God equips the called. And you have been called.” I believe that one of the great ways to understand your “calling” is to start by asking God to break your heart. Trust me. He will break it. It took me ten years to realize how He was breaking my heart, but here I am. Even though I feel unworthy, Jesus reminds me that being unworthy is part of the game. Feeling unworthy of what God has called you to do makes seeing how worthy HE is possible. Being broken causes me to lean into Jesus more. It forces me to reach out to others for help. Having a broken heart over something which Jesus cares about far outweighs the feelings of unworthiness I have for tackling the task set before me BECAUSE I know this is where I am meant to be right now.

You might be wondering what this looks like in your life? If you’re a mom, do those dishes and iron that laundry. If you’re a Pharmacy Tech, count those pills and run that insurance. If you’re in management, oversee those numbers and track that spending. Work that ponytail. Own that up-do!!

Here are a few points I’m trying to make:

1. Ask for your heart to be broken. It could be broken over a neighbor down the road who doesn’t love Jesus who you need to minster to, for example. I’m pretty certain the ideas are endless.
2. Go ahead and feel unworthy, but don’t let the feeling last long. Praise Jesus for what you’ve been given and go be a blessing to someone! God doesn’t call all of us to move to Africa. I just happen to be single and commitment free which Jesus is teaching me to count as a blessing, not a curse.
3. Give God the glory. Even when you are doing the 9-5/Monday-Friday thing, look for ways to show everyone around you how great and worthy Jesus is, even though we aren’t. There’s this meme that says, “Some days I feel like I really have my life together. Other days, I put the remote in the refrigerator.”  Rock it for Jesus even if the remote is in the refrigerator.

So, here I sit still smiling, still feeling unworthy, and still praising Jesus as I continue asking Him to break my heart for what breaks His.